DATING TIPS

Finding a Date

Potential dates are everywhere, once you start looking. Just keep a few
things in mind:
 Be aware. Both men and women are understandably cautious about
being picked up by strangers, so if you’re the one doing the approaching,
the hallmarks of your approach have to be gentility, civility, humor,
and gentleness. Otherwise, somebody’s likely to call the cops on you.
I know — so what’s the problem? Cops are cute. Pay attention here;
I’m being serious.

 Be considerate. If someone has found the courage to approach you and
you’re not interested, unless they’re really, really scary, say no civilly.
You don’t have to be nasty.

 Don’t panic. If I were to promise you that you would meet the person of
your dreams in ten years, and the two of you would be wildly happy for
the rest of your lives, would you be willing to wait that ten years? Of
course you would (unless you’re already 110 years old — more about
that in Appendix A). So assume that meeting your dreamboat is just a
matter of time and, in the meantime, have fun, which definitely increases
your chances of being appealing when you run into that date-to-be ten
minutes, months, years, or decades from now.

Searching for the Best Places to Meet Someone

The best places to meet people are ones in which
You can see clearly, hear clearly, and respond honestly.
You have an interest in what’s going on, increasing the likelihood that
you’ll have something in common with anyone you meet there.
The atmosphere feels safe and familiar.
It makes no sense to hang out in places where you hate the activity. Doing so
is kind of like people who feed their babies Gerber’s veal and then are surprised
when their kids like only veal, which the parents never eat. Hang out in places
where you would be happy even if you weren’t searching, and — bingo! —
you’re happy.
A place you enjoy, where you feel comfortable and safe, solves the problem
of what to talk about. The key is to be lighthearted about approaching a
stranger. The situation is similar to baking a soufflé. You need to tread gently
and avoid loud noises, early peeks, or banging doors. Otherwise, you’ll end
up with a dessert that nobody wants — flat, ugly, and unappetizing — despite
the effort and right ingredients you put into it.

The halls of academia
High schools, colleges, and adult education classes are all dating mills. You
can sit next to somebody in class for weeks, smile shyly, and eventually get
up the nerve to say, “Hi” or “Can I borrow your notes?” or “A bunch of us are
going for coffee.” So number one on the list of places to meet somebody is a
classroom: high school, college, traffic school, cooking school, power squadron
course, art history course, computer course — you get the point.
Find something you’ve always wanted to learn about and take a course. Even if
you don’t see any datables in your classroom, you’re out of the house, learning
and relating, and your chem partner may have a cute sibling who’s single.

The people in your neighborhood
You may find some very datable people in your own neighborhood. Familiarity
breeds comfort, and feeling safe and making the other person equally comfortable
are important. So somebody you frequently run into or who knows
the people you know works for both of you.

Dating a neighbor has some advantages:
You may already be acquainted with each other, and therefore, the
situation isn’t as scary as approaching or being approached by a
stranger — and making somebody feel safe is a priority in this exercise.
You probably run into the person often, giving you plenty of opportunities
to take the bull by the horns (so to speak).
You probably know many of the same people.
The only reservation about dating someone in your neighborhood is that you
should be careful about next-door neighbors. If the thing doesn’t work out,
the possibilities of being spied on increase greatly. Even if they don’t own
binoculars, the “bump intos” could feel uncomfortable, awkward, painful, or
embarrassing.

Parties, vacations, and other fun stuff
Fun places are some of the best places to scout out datables. Everybody’s
relaxed, open, less uptight, and prepared to be happy and smile (it’s the reason
for so many vacation romances). Here are a few of the best places to look:
Parties: In terms of comfort, meeting someone at a party offers one of the
same advantages that meeting someone in your neighborhood offers:
You both know somebody in common.
Cruises: Cruises can be the perfect vacation if you’re single, especially if
you don’t emphasize the need to meet someone. Cruises meet the criteria
for comfort and safety and, after a day or so, familiarity. Just be aware
that vacation atmospheres are more fantasy than reality, but don’t overlook
the potential here.
Movies: Not everybody in line is coupled up; lots of singles go to movies,
so the line into the movie, especially if it’s a long line, is not a bad place
to get to know somebody. If you have the time to get to know each other
before the movie begins, offering to share popcorn can work, too. (Yeah,
I know the old joke about the chicken in the popcorn box. Puh-leeeeze.)
But if you talk in the movie, I’ll give you a piece of my mind.
Dances: Folk dancing is great, as is square dancing, because the caller
tells you what to do, and you’re always changing partners. Ballroom
dancing is a bit iffier in that there is a huge premium put on doing it
well, and you’re pretty up-close and personal with someone. But if you
love to dance and you’re good at it and you don’t mind your feet getting
stomped occasionally, dancing does meet the something-in-common,
sorta nonthreatening thing.
If the music is loud, it’s often hard to talk when you’re dancing. If it’s
disco, forget about it — you’ll never hear a word each other speaks, but
then again, at least you don’t actually have to follow your partner.

Grocery stores, bus stops, and other public places
Ordinary places can be extraordinarily effective as meeting and greeting
grounds:
Grocery stores: Buying food in the local market has that comfort/
familiarity/nurturing thing going. It’s a (usually) nonthreatening environment,
you’ve probably been there before, and if no one datable
happens to meander in front of your grocery cart or pause invitingly in
the produce section, you can still pick up your milk and Ding-Dongs.
Bus stops: Waiting at the same place and at the same time every day creates
a sense of community. You see each other — and every other regular
passenger — here all the time, and you can sit together. The trick here is
to go slowly (pun intended). Don’t worry unless the person you’re interested
in moves or switches jobs; you have plenty of time.
Laundromats: What’s more domestic than airing your once dirty, now
clean, laundry in public? Always carry extra fabric softener and change
(you never know who may need to borrow something) and under no circumstances
mention underwear.
Bookstores: In some bookstore chains, you can curl up in a big comfy
chair and listen to jazz quartets — and even be tempted to chat each
other up. And if you happen to spy some cutie perusing your favorite
author’s latest, discussing the finer points over a soy latte in the bookstore
café seems fun, savvy, and safe. Somehow being picked up in a
bookstore seems really smart, dontcha think?
Restaurants: Asking to join someone sitting alone is a bit iffy. If the person
says yes, you don’t have to eat alone, but if the person says no, you may
lose your appetite. I once got up the nerve, after I’d finished my meal, to
ask someone if he would like company, and he said no; he really liked
eating alone. I was so rattled that I left the restaurant without signing my
bill, and the waiter came running after me. But if you have nerves of steel,
go for it. My experience is mercifully unusual. Most folks would be both
charmed and charming!
Airplanes: You’re both together, going to the same place, side by side,
with a flight attendant to take care of everything you need — in addition
to the hint of being united against a common danger in the clouds.
Hey, don’t miss the opportunity. Buses and trains have much of the
same criteria, but a little less cool of the factor. (Still, some pretty cool
movies have focused on train trips; think about the possibility of meeting
a Cary Grant, Mimi Rodgers, Gene Hackman, or Ingrid Bergman in
the dining car.)